Jokes

What can I say? It doesn't fit above, put it here. Also the location of board rules/info.
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Egerius
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Re: Jokes

Post by Egerius » 03 Sep 2014 18:15

A Russian has passive knowledge of German. A German comes by and asks him "Do you know where the train station is?"
The Russian says "Da" and nods; the German is puzzled and goes away.
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Click
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Re: Jokes

Post by Click » 03 Sep 2014 19:35

That’s what I always tell people when asked for directions. [}:D]

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Re: Jokes

Post by thetha » 03 Sep 2014 20:14

I came up with this one myself, but paraphrases of it have been told before:

What do chickens use to tell time?
Clucks!

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eldin raigmore
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Re: Jokes

Post by eldin raigmore » 05 Sep 2014 01:01

So, a Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers*, and says "I'd like five* beers, please".
Spoiler:
* V

Know how seven can be half of twelve?

XII is twelve, right?

Now look at the top half of XII.

That looks like VII, which is seven, right?

A father was very upset with his daughter for coming home so late from her date.
She said, "But, Daddy, you said to be home by a quarter of twelve, and three is a quarter of twelve".
Last edited by eldin raigmore on 08 Sep 2014 08:32, edited 1 time in total.

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Shemtov
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Re: Jokes

Post by Shemtov » 08 Sep 2014 03:25

A Jewish (Ashkenazi) Joke:
There is a town in Poland called Chelm, were everyone is a fool. Once a Chelmer named Berel Stein was going to Warsaw. Now, Warsaw is just over a hill from Chelm. So Berel went up the hill in the early morning. At the top, there was a tree and a stream, so he took a drink from the stream and sat under tree to rest. "But," he thought "I might fall asleep, and I won't know my way!" So he took off his shoes, pointed them toward Warsaw, and fell asleep. An anti-Semite saw this, and just to play a trick he pointed the shoes toward Chelm. Berel awoke an hour later, put on his shoes and went on his way. When he entered Warsaw,it looked like Chelm! It was time for the evening prayers so he went to the synagogue, which to his surprise was in the same place as in Chelm! After prayers, they asked him"Back so soon, Berel? How was Warsaw?" "Warsaw? I am in Warsaw! Why are all you Chelmers here?" He told them his story. The Wise Man of Chelm said "Nu, so they shoes show we're in Warsaw. But it looks like Chelm! A Dybbuk must have transported us here when we came to the Synagogue. Come, Nu, let's go back to Chelm." They went outside and saw their wives. The wise man spoke "Our wives have been transported here, too! Nu, everything is just like in Chelm. Let's live in Warsaw and call it Chelm!"
Many children make up, or begin to make up, imaginary languages. I have been at it since I could write.
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DrGeoffStandish
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Re: Jokes

Post by DrGeoffStandish » 14 Sep 2014 00:34

A Swedish joke, maybe difficult to translate to English but let's give it a try:
    • A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Come on tomato sauce, let's go!"

      Image
Lost in translation, indeed. :roll:

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thaen
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Re: Jokes

Post by thaen » 15 Sep 2014 20:44

DrGeoffStandish wrote:A Swedish joke, maybe difficult to translate to English but let's give it a try:
    • A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Come on tomato sauce, let's go!"

      Image
Lost in translation, indeed. :roll:
We have something similar in English. It ends something along the lines of He smashes her and says "ketchup!" (Catch up)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dormouse559 » 13 Oct 2014 07:40

Image

Are we having fun yet? Well, not if it's English. From what I hear, Ancient Greek conjugal visits would be a riot.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Lao Kou » 13 Oct 2014 11:55

[xD]
道可道,非常道
名可名,非常名

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eldin raigmore
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Re: Jokes

Post by eldin raigmore » 13 Oct 2014 22:36

Did anyone see the very-late-Ancient just-before-Medieval Roman jokes in the last one-page column of the current Scientific American?

Example (And I'm sure this is in the public domain by now! (as the article says, "the first time this joke got a laugh, the Dead Sea only had a bad cough.".)
A guy sees a eunuch talking to a pretty young woman, and asks another guy:
"Is that his wife?"
Second guy says "Eunuchs don't have wives!"
First guy: "Oh. Must be his daughter."

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Dormouse559
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dormouse559 » 23 Oct 2014 00:16

Image
This an ad for a language-learning program. It could read as either "Stop massacring English" or "Stop massacring the Englishman". [xP]

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eldin raigmore
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Re: Jokes

Post by eldin raigmore » 23 Oct 2014 06:37

Dormouse559 wrote:Image
This an ad for a language-learning program. It could read as either "Stop massacring English" or "Stop massacring the Englishman". [xP]
So why is he wearing a plaid (the garment) made out of tartan (the material) dyed/woven in a brecan (the pattern)?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Dormouse559 » 23 Oct 2014 09:51

I'm sure, given the long history of friendly, non-competitive and culturally sensitive relations between France and England, the French take special care to depict English people in culturally appropriate garb.

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Re: Jokes

Post by ol bofosh » 24 Oct 2014 09:41

His bowler hat got knocked off, so obviously they needed some other way to identify him. [;)]

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Re: Jokes

Post by Squall » 14 Dec 2014 03:36

I am bad with jokes, but let me try...

A guy traveled to Sweden and talked with his family with telephone.
-Where are you?
-I am calm.

Stockholm in Portuguese is Estocolmo (/esto'kɔwmu/) and it sounds like "Estou calmo" (/es'tow 'kawmu/, be-PRS.1SG calm).
English is not my native language. Sorry for any mistakes or lack of knowledge when I discuss this language.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dormouse559 » 14 Dec 2014 08:49

My French-English translation teacher showed us one. It's apparently quite a bad pun. The native francophone among us groaned when he got it.

- Pourquoi est-ce que les dirigeants de la Banque centrale europénne dînent ensemble avant leurs réunions?
- Parce que le rot* ne se fait qu'après un bon repas.

- Why do the leaders of the European Central Bank eat together before their meetings?
- Because the burp* is only made after a good meal.


* "Le rot" /lə ʁo/ (the burp) sounds somewhat like "l'euro" /lœʁo/ (the euro).

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Re: Jokes

Post by prettydragoon » 03 Jan 2015 00:15

The Japanese just can't stop making their writing system ever more complex. Now they have created a special script for stories about anthropomorphic animals: furrygana.
Image
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Re: Jokes

Post by loglorn » 03 Jan 2015 01:06

I had to control my laughter in order not to wake up the other people in the house. I did not succeed.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dormouse559 » 05 Jan 2015 09:39

Image

Je vous avais dit au téléphone: "vue sur la mère!"
I told you on the phone: "view of the mother!"

La mère "the mother" and la mer "the sea" are homophones in French, so the tenant gets to look at a lovely old woman instead of the deep blue sea.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Birdlang » 11 Jan 2015 22:59

A guy walks into a restaurant carrying a dancing tomato. The tomato says "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!!!!! Yeah yeah yeah yeah There he go there he go there he go there he go!"
Ꭓꭓ Ʝʝ Ɬɬ Ɦɦ Ɡɡ Ɥɥ Ɫɫ Ɽɽ Ɑɑ Ɱɱ Ɐɐ Ɒɒ Ɓɓ Ɔɔ Ɖɖ Ɗɗ Əə Ɛɛ Ɠɠ Ɣɣ Ɯɯ Ɲɲ Ɵɵ Ʀʀ Ʃʃ Ʈʈ Ʊʊ Ʋʋ Ʒʒ Ꞵꞵ Ʉʉ Ʌʌ Ŋŋ Ɂɂ Ɪɪ Ææ Øø Ð𠌜 Ɜɜ Ǝɘ

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