I'm useless.

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Chagen
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I'm useless.

Post by Chagen » 28 Jun 2016 03:29

I'm sorry for making it all about me by making a whole new topic, but I said this on the ZBB and if I don't say it here I think I might explode.

So, I write some stories for a small group of people on another site. People know my name, and like them. I can usually get several hundreds views at least and my most read stories are in the thousands. But I have terrible work ethic and no motivation, combined with my inability to focus on anything without my ADHD meds. This creates a common situation where I just drop off the face of the earth for several months, get guilty, reappear with some new stories, and then disappear out of nowhere quickly again. I just feel so bad, especially when half-completed sequels are lying on my computer, waiting for me to just fucking finish them. It's a really minor thing, I know, but I feel this situation is emblematic of my inability to work on anything.

Not to mention the rust. Everytime I come back to writing, I feel like I've regressed. I have three-year-old stories that are better than the ones I write now. When I look at other authors' work, it gets even worse. I try to take inspiration from them and improve my craft, but it never works. It just doesn't. I have the scenes in my head but when I try to put them to paper everything is just so stilted and awkward. People still like them, but I cannot ever be happy with my work at such a low level.

While flying to Las Vegas with my mom, I read a fantasy book I bought a long time ago but never really read seriously to stave off boredom. It was standard melodramatic/cheesy fantasy, but the author was still so much better than me that it was humbling. It made me want to write again, hoping to get to his level and then even further. What characterization and plot progression he packed into one sentence I would need several awkward lines to recreate. But it didn't happen. I just couldn't get that same flow to my writing.

Sigh.

Writing is the only skill I have. I have nothing else. I'm terrible at everything. And I can't even do the one skill I have very well. Why do I even keep living? What is even the point of my life? Am I really just to live and die? And I can't even live. I have no idea what the fuck to major in college, I have no skills, and I have no drive. I can't get a job. I cannot even remain a reclusive NEET, as my ADHD saps away my ability to focus. Even with my medication, I find it so hard to keep track of things. I used to read books and write stories. Now, my ADHD and internet addiction have made those nearly impossible for me. I don't even play video games much anymore. All I fucking do is browse the internet and masturbate to porn. I can't even participate in my hobbies, just browse the web. If I do take my meds, I can barely focus but not much, and I also suffer the utter lack of appetite the amphetimines give me. I have to force myself to eat, to the point of wanting to throw up from a regular meal. Food doesn't even have a taste at that point. It's just an unpleasant, sickening ritual I have to go through to remain alive.

I know why I do it too. I browse the internet and beat off because it distracts me from the knowledge that my entire fucking life is careening towards a cliff. Whenever I try to extricate myself from these virtual drugs, the self-loathing and dread comes back. It grips me and makes it impossible to focus on anything. Not that I can remember anything, thanks to this ADHD. I have trouble remembering things from only a few minutes ago. I have to listen to an album several times before I remember the songs. All of my memories are fuzzy and hazy recollections devoid of any detail. I don't even remember the events--I remember that they happened, but nothing but hazy flashes. I certainly don't remember the date they happened. Reading memoirs always bugs me, because it's like everyone else remembers their lives perfectly ever since they were three.

Most people like to look back and reminisce about their childhood. I don't even have a childhood to view, much less reminisce about. Yesterday my father asked me what my first memory was. I couldn't answer. I don't know. I don't even remember the year things happened in. Did I meet my best friend in 6th or 7th grade? I don't know.

I follow a variety of people on tumblr who make interesting images and videos. But a lot of these people are couples, and sometimes I just can't bear to fucking look at it. Seeing those happy couples together, while I sit here unloved and sexless, never having had a girlfriend, much less had sex. It enrages me, almost. Their happiness only sends me even deeper into enraged, bitter despair. It's not fair. It just isn't. Same thing happens when I see people talk about their SO's on the internet. Especially when they talk about it like finding a lover is the easiest thing in the world--I know I'm defective trash, you don't have to fucking rub it in.

Is this my life? To toil through life, unable to enjoy anything due to my fucked-up neurons and then die alone with no legacy, no impact on the world, just a footnote in an obituary? I don't even have the pacifying delusion of an afterlife to believe in. At the same time, death is sweet, sweet release from my pain and dread.

I want to die, but I fear death.

This is not a suicide note, as much as I wish it was one.
Nūdenku waga honji ma naku honyasi ne ika-ika ichamase!
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Honyasi zō honyasi ma naidasu.
boy-youth=AGT boy-youth=PAT love.romantically-3S

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Khemehekis » 28 Jun 2016 03:46

What's a NEET?
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Micamo » 28 Jun 2016 03:53

Khemehekis wrote:What's a NEET?
No Education, Experience, or Training.

Anyway, welcome to the world, Chagen, where everyone who doesn't win the birth lottery is completely and utterly fucked, and anyone unlucky enough to have a disability doubly so.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by qwed117 » 28 Jun 2016 04:30

Micamo wrote:
Khemehekis wrote:What's a NEET?
No Education, Experience, or Training.

Anyway, welcome to the world, Chagen, where everyone who doesn't win the birth lottery is completely and utterly fucked, and anyone unlucky enough to have a disability doubly so.
I haven't seen your current writing, but the best thing you can do is to keep writing. I actually liked what it seemed like you had planned for LCSAC. I can understand how you feel. It's pretty scary to even think that you have no more purpose in the world. I wish I knew what to tell you. I don't.

Also, why do I feel like there is a lot of antipathy between you two? You two are the best constoryers. Why rip each other apart?
Edit: One suggestion I do have is to ignore criticism if you have a preset path that you want to show. I wanted criticism, but that led to a blabbermouth revealing my plans. If you had kept writing LCSAC, without paying attention to the attention, then you would honestly have avoided all the hatred-discussion there.
And just to add, one of the world's most famous books is about two nearly unrelated stories, namely that of a helpless girl growing up caught in the crossfire of two warring entities. That's the Diary of Anne Frank
Spoiler:
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Micamo » 28 Jun 2016 09:13

Not trying to tear him down. Just telling him what I tell myself every day.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Lambuzhao » 28 Jun 2016 15:00

By misquoting two authors in one stroke, I'll give some advice:

Rage, rage against that darkening night
Pick up thy pen, fool, and write!


[<3]
Lam


PS:
I'm not being flip. I am in your corner, mon.

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Lambuzhao » 28 Jun 2016 15:03

PPS: Until you find that special way to make soft-serve frozen almond-milk kefir in 62 flavors,
Or you win that lottery...


Keep writing!
It hasn't killed you yet,
and will only make you stronger for it in the end.

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Egerius » 29 Jun 2016 11:23

Chagen, I wish I could hug you so hard to squeeze all these bad feelings (demons?) out of you, but I was neither allowed to Hogwarts nor do I know your address.

The thing with memories is, and I think many others here will agree, I don't have that many, either: That's why I write/attempt to write a diary. And often, my style in these entries (especially the early ones from my childhood) is working on the premise that I will immediately know what happened on that day — I don't.
Often, I begin with an indefinite pronoun and have to add later what it's referring to.

When I remember something, it is either emotionally bound to my neurons, or I learned it by heart (or both).

And, well, consider yourself lucky as you can write stories that create an interest, no matter how bad you think they might be. Best I can do is textbook style and speech. No action.

I don't think all of what I wrote does not even come close to how you feel, but maybe you'd smile.

How about listening to music?
Last edited by Egerius on 05 Jul 2016 21:01, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Ketumak » 05 Jul 2016 18:25

Eek! Most of the things I can suggest are probably things you've thought of already, Chagen, but here goes:

If you're not seeing a counsellor already, I'd recommend doing that. If money's a problem, the Samaritans might be good people to talk to as they're free (contrary to popular belief, you don't have to be suicidal to ring them). They like the odd donation but don't insist on it.

Maybe just get out of the house sometimes, too. In my early twenties, I was unemployed for a couple of years and found fresh air and connecting with nature a good way to boost my mood.

I sometimes struggle to motivate myself to write and find it helps to do deals with myself. It's a sort of behaviourist thing: work then reward. You could say half an hours writing earns you half an hours internet porn, two hours writing gets you a piece of cake, etc. And stick to the targets. I read the other day that forming a new habit takes about a month, so don't expect immediate success.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Chagen » 05 Jul 2016 19:05

I'm actually at my college right now, planning to meet the counselors. I had an outburst/meltdown yesterday on another website that resulted in over ten people urging me to visit my counselor. I'm just steeling myself up because I'm so nervous. I cannot even talk to others about the weather, and here I have to lay bare my deepest pains to someone else. I know they're supposed to help me, and that they don't judge, but it's still so hard.

I want to try that habit thing, but my ADHD makes it hard unless I'm on my meds. On the other hand, maybe I am making excuses. I thought about this because the other day, I bought Cities: Skylines on Steam. I wasn't on my meds, yet I played it for several hours without much loss of focus. Another situation was a few weeks ago where I took a plane flight with my mom to Las Vegas. The flight was from Austin, so it was VERY long--five hours or so. I packed a book I had bought a long time ago but never really started to keep me company. I started it over and read without any loss of focus for the whole plane flight, getting about halfway through it (Unfortunately, I have not continued reading it since we landed in Vegas). So I can focus without my meds, I just have to use a lot more concentration.

If you don't have ADHD, the best way I can explain it is that when not medicated, my mind has trouble dedicating its focus on one thing. If I try to watch a TV show, for instance, my mind will race with a million different things and focusing on it is very hard. I also feel a really intense, almost impossible-to-resist urge to get up and do something else. This happens really fast: like, within five minutes at most.

I've had a few days where I needed to take a test or quiz without them. It's pretty awful. My mind races and I quickly start day-dreaming and not focusing on the test. I also have a terrible memory. I don't really "remember" anything, so I was always forgetting about homework and assignments. I can't make a mental note to do something in five hours, because within five minutes I'll have already forgotten about the reminder. Frustratingly, I can't really make use of a planner or written notes, because I'll forget to check them!

This also means that I have only vague memories of pretty much any media I consume. I have to listen to albums over and over again before I remember their songs, and even then I only have vague flashes of them. After playing a game, watching a movie/show, or reading a book, I only remember vague flashes, unless I consume a BUNCH of times. I watched all the way through Kill La Kill with my friend, but if you wanted me to summarize the plot I could only tell you the vaguest bit. I certainly don't remember what exactly happened in, say, episode 13 as opposed to episode 16, outside of a few special moments such as the Ryuuko v. Satsuki fight in episode 3, but even then I couldn't tell you what happened during that fight. I have said this many times before, but I'm somewhat jealous of neurotypicals and their ability to discuss their favorite stuff in detail, remembering even the most insignificant line of dialogue and exactly what happened in each episode/chapter/whatever.

I often tell people stuff I've told them before. It's practically a running gag with me and my best friend: "Hey dude did you hear about [awesome thing]--" "Yes, [Chagen], you told me that like two times before." "Oh...sorry"

Because of this, though, I really like to consume stuff over and over. People who know me are absolutely flabbergasted at how often I can watch or listen to the same shit. I don't forget things completely--I'm not an amnesiac--but I often return to my favorite stuff and can re-enjoy it.

Today I had a very annoying problem because of this. I asked my dad to drop me off at my campus while he was going to work. I packed my backpack for this and only had to grab a few things. I grabbed my phone and my vita, as well as pack some breakfast (didn't have money to buy stuff at school) but completely forgot to grab my pills, even though they were lying right on my desk and were impossible to miss. I didn't realize this until I got to school, so I had to walk ALL the way back, grab them, then walk back to school, in sweltering humid Texas summer heat. That was not very fun. I'm just going to keep them in my backpack at all times.

I've even had times where I took my pills to school...and forgot to take them. Even when the bottle is right in my pocket. I even put the damn bottle in my pocket so I would feel them when reaching for my phone and remember to take them. I can't win.

With my medication, though, my focus is greatly enhanced. I played Cities: Skyline for basically 11 hours straight yesterday. My memory still sucks though.

Finally, I want to point that many of us with ADHD actually have this ironic thing called "hyperfocusing". It's when we focus on some minor thing and obsess over it. I know that sounds weird, given that ADHD is stereotypically the "ooh shiny!" disorder, but it's more like we obsess over said shiny. I do it a lot. I'll look at something--anything, it could be a building, a picture in a book, a poster in classroom, whatever--and just obsessively study it with fanatical intensity. I'd notice the most incredibly minor things because of this, while missing everything else. Instead of working in class I'd hyperfocus on the posters on the wall and the pictures on my book. Hyperfocusing also leads me to read minor text of anything. Music-wise it often makes me focus on one particular melody or instrument in a song so I like songs where there's lots of different parts doing their own thing, or where the melodies/rhythm are really complex, such as the lead guitar line in this song. Good god those crazy rhythms in the intro and 00:38 to 00:53 are AMAZING.

//////////

Sorry for this massive post. I just...wanted to vent and maybe describe what ADHD is like. I never talk about this with other people. Not my best friend. Not even my family.
Nūdenku waga honji ma naku honyasi ne ika-ika ichamase!
female-appearance=despite boy-voice=PAT hold boy-youth=TOP very be.cute-3PL
Honyasi zō honyasi ma naidasu.
boy-youth=AGT boy-youth=PAT love.romantically-3S

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Tanni » 05 Jul 2016 19:11

Hello Chagen,

have you ever considered to take a break, to go on vacancies, provided you have the money? You do some artistic stuff, and being an artist also means that you undergo times where you simply can't perform your art. You're neither a computer nor a robot. Do not enforce you to write. Maybe you just need new input to produce new stuff. Read a lot! I recommend Worrior Cats just to see the world from a different point of view.

Most important: stop viewing TV! Stop viewing the news or ads in TV. I had times where I had lots of problems, some similar than yours, and I laid down in front of the TV and watched it for hours, zapping a lot. And every time I turned on the TV or other media, they brought something which I didn't like or what even scared me. I started watching TV when I get up at ca. 17 o'clock in the evening (I felt the only thing to do was go on sleeping) and stopped watching until end of broadcast. Then, they began to braodcast 24 hours a day. So I went to bed somewhen in early morning, but couldn't fell asleep until 8 or 10 o'clock.

If you can't focus on something, have you ever heard of round robin task scheduling? Just do what you want as long as you want it. Then switch to another task. Remember, famous writers normally (there might be exceptions) just don't write their stories in one rush, but rework it several times. One russian writer wrote several versions of his novel. Reread your stories a lot. Every time you'll find things to improve. Keep the previous version, so that you can see what you've already changed and to avoid circular corrections. Use LaTeX for typesetting your texts, as this way, you can comment out the previous versions of e. g. one sentence, and it is fun to see that your text is typeset perfectly. Actually, it's fun to rework and improve one's own stories. It might take twenty or more times until a text starts to get good. You have more than one skill, of course. Try to learn new skills. As you are interested in writing, try to learn the kind of shorthand used in your country. It's best if you practice few, but regularily.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Chagen » 05 Jul 2016 20:39

I don't actually watch TV much thanks to my ADHD. I don't have the money or the means for a vacation.

I have some bad news unfortunately. I went to my college's counseling services, only to learn that they can't actually help me. I am technically not an enrolled student, as I have an outstanding balance on my previous semester that my family has been trying to pay (we've been going through really bad financial troubles recently). Until I pay it off and register, they can't provide services to me, though they did say they would at least call me and see what could be done.

I still got to meet with this woman though. She asked me some questions and then made me fill out a suicide assessment form (she didn't view me at risk for suicide in the end). I had to take it because, in an electronic form they gave me before the meeting, I answered "strongly agree" to "I want to die". I had to rate my feelings of psychological pain, stress, agitation, hopelessness, and self-hatred, then list some reasons that I wanted to live and reasons I wanted to die, before finally listing how much I wanted to commit suicide. It was really painful and I felt sick to my stomach, but I went through with it.

I'm gonna bug my father to get the balance paid as soon as possible (he said it SHOULD have been paid by now), because without being enrolled I wont be able to get any counseling. It's gonna be tough though, since I can't admit the real reason I want it paid. I'm also going to have come up with a good lie to cover up the sessions if I do get into them, but I already have a few I can use that will explain an absence of a few hours.
Nūdenku waga honji ma naku honyasi ne ika-ika ichamase!
female-appearance=despite boy-voice=PAT hold boy-youth=TOP very be.cute-3PL
Honyasi zō honyasi ma naidasu.
boy-youth=AGT boy-youth=PAT love.romantically-3S

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Egerius » 05 Jul 2016 21:00

It's always good to visit the college library and read interesting stuff, if you know what I mean.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by alynnidalar » 05 Jul 2016 21:03

If/when you do get enrolled in classes, fictional research projects at the library or study groups could be good valid excuses. Or if you could schedule sessions around your classes--if you have one class at 2 - 3:30 and another at 4:30 - 6, you've got an hour there where it'd make sense for you to stay at the college anyway.

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Ebon » 05 Jul 2016 21:20

Chagen wrote: Today I had a very annoying problem because of this. I asked my dad to drop me off at my campus while he was going to work. I packed my backpack for this and only had to grab a few things. I grabbed my phone and my vita, as well as pack some breakfast (didn't have money to buy stuff at school) but completely forgot to grab my pills, even though they were lying right on my desk and were impossible to miss. I didn't realize this until I got to school, so I had to walk ALL the way back, grab them, then walk back to school, in sweltering humid Texas summer heat. That was not very fun. I'm just going to keep them in my backpack at all times.

I've even had times where I took my pills to school...and forgot to take them. Even when the bottle is right in my pocket. I even put the damn bottle in my pocket so I would feel them when reaching for my phone and remember to take them. I can't win.

With my medication, though, my focus is greatly enhanced. I played Cities: Skyline for basically 11 hours straight yesterday. My memory still sucks though.
I'm sorry, I'm not very good with general life advice, so I can't give any... but I know there are apps that remind you to take your medication. If you naturally use your phone a lot, you'd see the notifications. I don't remember any names, but if you google medication reminder app or something, you'll probably find them. Maybe that would help with remembering to take them?

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Chagen » 05 Jul 2016 22:12

Ugh, another disaster just happened. Me and my mom have cell phone service with AT&T. Well, had, because she decided to just stop paying for...god knows what reasons. Probably to manipulate my dad into moving us to his line so he would have to pay. Well, he did (we can't go without phones after all), and we got two new SIM cards from his carrier (T-Mobile) to use in our phones after we unlocked them from AT&T.

...Except since my mom hasn't paid her phone bill, we're barred from unlocking our phones. According to my mom, our phone bill is nearly four hundred dollars (how that happened with only two phones, I have no idea). So we're out of any cell phone service for now, and the people at the counseling office told me they'll call me later. Without a phone, I can't talk to them. I couldn't even call a suicide hotline if I felt the need. I'm going to ask my dad if I could use his phone to call them and plead with them to email me instead, but this is still really fucking bad. I don't use my phone much for talking or texting, but I do use it often to access the internet when out and about. My life is just a fucking line of disasters.

And of course my mom is blaming me for all of this. This woman is pathologically incapable of owning up to her mistakes.
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female-appearance=despite boy-voice=PAT hold boy-youth=TOP very be.cute-3PL
Honyasi zō honyasi ma naidasu.
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Tanni » 06 Jul 2016 13:52

Chagen wrote:So, I write some stories for a small group of people on another site. People know my name, and like them. I can usually get several hundreds views at least and my most read stories are in the thousands.
Impressing. I wish I had that much people interested in my books.
Chagen wrote:But I have terrible work ethic and no motivation, combined with my inability to focus on anything without my ADHD meds. This creates a common situation where I just drop off the face of the earth for several months, get guilty, reappear with some new stories, and then disappear out of nowhere quickly again. I just feel so bad, especially when half-completed sequels are lying on my computer, waiting for me to just fucking finish them. It's a really minor thing, I know, but I feel this situation is emblematic of my inability to work on anything.
Many people have a work ethic like that. What you describe here -- barring the ADHD meds -- is quite normal for many people.
Chagen wrote:Not to mention the rust. Everytime I come back to writing, I feel like I've regressed. I have three-year-old stories that are better than the ones I write now. When I look at other authors' work, it gets even worse. I try to take inspiration from them and improve my craft, but it never works. It just doesn't. I have the scenes in my head but when I try to put them to paper everything is just so stilted and awkward. People still like them, but I cannot ever be happy with my work at such a low level.
Ever thought that you may have progressed concerning the topics you're tackling? Maybe your writing is just somewhat behind the harder requirements of your new stories? You shouldn't compare yourself to random other authors. Provided the author your compare yourself to has 30 years of writing experience, but your age is just say 15, than comparisons like that are unfair to yourself. You expect too much from yourself.
Chagen wrote:While flying to Las Vegas with my mom, I read a fantasy book I bought a long time ago but never really read seriously to stave off boredom. It was standard melodramatic/cheesy fantasy, but the author was still so much better than me that it was humbling. It made me want to write again, hoping to get to his level and then even further. What characterization and plot progression he packed into one sentence I would need several awkward lines to recreate. But it didn't happen. I just couldn't get that same flow to my writing.
Do you know how long this author needed to pack that much ''characterisation and plot progression'' into one sentence?
Chagen wrote:Writing is the only skill I have. I have nothing else.
There are companies out there which require that people are diagnosed ADHD to be allowed to work for them. Maybe this kind of companies are also around where you live, so you could apply for a job.
Chagen wrote:Why do I even keep living? What is even the point of my life? Am I really just to live and die?
You're not the only one asking this kind of questions!
Chagen wrote:And I can't even live.
Again, you're not the only one! If you're bullied, it's just the same, especially when the bullying caused severe problems with your parents.
Chagen wrote:I have no idea what the fuck to major in college, I have no skills, and I have no drive.
In your situation, it's quite normal to not yet know what to major in college. You have to find out. Remember, there are so many interesting things to do, how can somebody instantly or in a relatively short time after having left school know what to do next, especially if you don't even know the consequence of such a choice?
Chagen wrote: I can't get a job. I cannot even remain a reclusive NEET, as my ADHD saps away my ability to focus. Even with my medication, I find it so hard to keep track of things. I used to read books and write stories. Now, my ADHD and internet addiction have made those nearly impossible for me. I don't even play video games much anymore.
If not even your medication can make you to keep track of things, then this medication seems not to work. There are people out there thinking that ADHD is not a real medical condition, but a made up illness, so how can medication work at all? It is quite normal that people go through ''dark times'' where everything seems to go wrong. Sometimes it is other people who are the cause of that dark times, especially when bullying is involved or when parents and other caring adults fail in caring for you or fail to understand what's going on. Even if bullying is not the cause in your life, what you tell us about you makes me think that people don't care much about you and that the blame is put on ADHD. You are overstrained by the expectations others AND yourself have about you. And as you are unable to fulfill this expectations, you feel useless.
Chagen wrote:Food doesn't even have a taste at that point.
As I was a child, we had tomato plants in the garden. In summer, when it was hot, you could smell the odour of these plants ten or twenty meters in distance. Nowadays, when you eat a peace of tomato in a restaurant it just tasts like nothing.
Chagen wrote:I browse the internet and beat off because it distracts me from the knowledge that my entire fucking life is careening towards a cliff. Whenever I try to extricate myself from these virtual drugs, the self-loathing and dread comes back. It grips me and makes it impossible to focus on anything.
I didn't follow the threads where you put your stories. So, what kind of stories do you write? Are these just random short stories or sequels which take place in a made up world? Do you have something inside your fantasy you can use to replace these external ''virtual drugs''? See the end of Labyrinth.
Chagen wrote:Not that I can remember anything, thanks to this ADHD. I have trouble remembering things from only a few minutes ago. I have to listen to an album several times before I remember the songs. All of my memories are fuzzy and hazy recollections devoid of any detail. I don't even remember the events--I remember that they happened, but nothing but hazy flashes. I certainly don't remember the date they happened. Reading memoirs always bugs me, because it's like everyone else remembers their lives perfectly ever since they were three.
You are a human being, not a tape recorder. Normally, one doesn't listen to songs to remember them, but to have some background for other things to do. Or to enjoy them. Or to enjoy the melody. As a fan of a certain music group, you have heard its songs that many times that you know them well, but otherwise? Have you ever considered that the memories of other people are fuzzy too as well as devoid of many of the details? You can't consciously remember all the things you see or hear.


Sickness from mobile phone radiation
Last edited by Tanni on 04 Aug 2016 15:24, edited 1 time in total.
My neurochemistry has fucked my impulse control, now I'm diagnosed OOD = oppositional opinion disorder, one of the most deadly diseases in totalitarian states, but can be cured in the free world.

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Chagen
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Chagen » 15 Jul 2016 00:16

Welp, my educational future is pretty fucked.

Last semester I had set-up a payment plan (called an "emergency loan", though weirdly enough it doesn't really function as a loan) to pay off the last 600 bucks of tuition. It was supposed to be three monthly payments of 200 bucks. I paid the first two just fine, but my mother just refused to give me the final 200. I asked her for them and she always brushed it off, said "I'll do it later", or "why am I doing this, why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?!".

This continued throughout the summer. Thankfully, my dad stepped in and said he would give me the 200 I needed, even taking less for himself for that paycheck for me. I now have it, and went to check my balance on my uni's web portal.

Apparently I own $850+. Not 200. They said that the installment plan would pay everything, so either they lied to me or hid some extra fees. I even received a paper detailing the exact terms of the plan, which I signed.

I haven't told my parents yet. I'm going to the school tomorrow, but I dunno what the fuck I'm gonna do. I might have to simply NOT go this semester, which would be a great thing if not for my parents. My mom already makes my life a living hell, calling me a "lazy bum" and constantly screaming at me about how I'm a useless waste of money that doesn't do anything. She just did today. I'm truly getting the feeling my own mother doesn't like me. Everytime I try to talk to her, she screams at me or tells me to go away and stop bothering her. Then she later screams at me for not talking to her often enough! She wont let me be a hikikomori shut-in in peace. "You're always in your room playing video games, [Chagen]! You need to get a job, a girlfriend, and a degree!" Yeah, I'm always there because what the fuck else do I have? I have the internet, games, books, and music in my room. In the rest of the apartment lies you screaming with dad all the time, saying things like "[Chagen's] a useless bum beating off in his room to anime chicks because of YOU!" (yes she really does say things like this) and blaming everyone else for everything. I'm never going to live up to your ridiculous expectations, please just leave me alone.

I wish my parents would just...give up on me. Accept that I'm never going to amount to much and let me live in my room in peace as a hiki NEET. Yeah, I'd be a parasitic moocher contributing nothing, but what the fuck else can I be? The excesses of modern day society allow for us "useless" people to live too. Is it really right to push people who simply aren't cut out for independence to be productive members of society? All it does is hurt us as we fail and become mired in poverty and misery. That's what really scares me. I have a pretty cushy middle-class lifestyle right now--might it be that in ten years I'm living in the depths of poverty, barely able to scrape by in a bug-infested apartment in a run-down ghetto? I'm already disadvantaged enough by being not white. I wish the US had basic income. Fuck this neoliberal society and its disgustingly tone-deaf "American Dream" rhetoric. If there ever was an American Dream, it is now irreparably shattered and broken.

Sigh. I need a job. Not to pay for school, I've already given up on that. But to buy the stuff I want like computer upgrades, games, books, etc. And maybe my parents will be more willing to let me live in my room if I pay them some minor rent. My brother also gets disability benefits in the mail every month for his schizophrenia--perhaps I could get those as well, though I don't think ADHD counts as a disability. But how can I get a job? My social skills are horrible. I'm horrendously scatterbrained. My hygiene is incredibly poor (I regularly only bathe like once or twice a week. I know it's disgusting. But my ADHD makes me forget to bathe and depression saps my drive. Besides I don't sweat much since I'm always in my room and I have no one to impress...). I couldn't even work a fucking register, I'd have to talk to people!

This is my life. This is the story of Chagen, the once-happy boy in middle school and high school. A boy who once dreamed of faraway lands, yearning to put them onto paper and tell grand stories. Now he's a suicidally depressed shut-in who spends all of his time browsing the internet, playing video games, and consuming harem otaku culture because anime chicks are all I have.

It's incredible really. I remember when I first got into anime and other otaku culture, during middle school. I heard about the NEET otaku who have waifus and play visual novels and read shitty harem light novels, and I thought "hah, I'll never be like those guys! What do they even see in that creepy loser lifestyle?" And now I am one of those guys. I consume media about guys being fawned over by a harem of women because they're all I have. It's amazing how hard one can self-insert when you're desperate for affection. I wish I had five girls who constantly vied for my affections, crowding me and talking about how amazing I was. I seriously am thinking about writing a schlocky harem that takes place at a magical school to keep me occupied.

...Well, here's another post that ended up thrice as long as it was supposed to be and also ended on a completely different subject than it began on. I'm going to go take a shower now.

//////////

Sorry Tanni, I'll respond to your post later...
Nūdenku waga honji ma naku honyasi ne ika-ika ichamase!
female-appearance=despite boy-voice=PAT hold boy-youth=TOP very be.cute-3PL
Honyasi zō honyasi ma naidasu.
boy-youth=AGT boy-youth=PAT love.romantically-3S

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Chagen
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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Chagen » 15 Jul 2016 22:02

Haha wow. I went to my school today figure out why my tuition bill skyrocketed and you would not fucking believe what they told me. They truly fucked me over.

So, going back to the Fall 2015 semester. I had to pay off that semester's tuition fully in order to go to my spring 2016 semester, right? Well, yes, and I did. Or so I thought. See, apparently there were some fees my school just forgot to charge me. I'm not editorializing this: the way the financial aid advisor said it (he was slightly unclear), the bureaucracy literally just never applied any fees to me. Since they forgot about them, I was allowed to go through to the spring 2016 semester, since in the eyes of their systems, I had paid off the fall 2015 semester fully.

Of course, any given private college is an extortion racket as a place of learning. So, when they realized this, they decided to stick all these "forgotten" fees behind my back on me. I was not informed of this AT ALL. Now, you might say "But Chagen, you are an adult and a college isn't obligated to inform you about everything". Well, you're right. But when I went to get the emergency loan for my spring 2016 semester, I was never informed about these charges at all. I was always told that there was $628 of tuition left to pay off. I signed a paper detailing the terms of the monthly installment plan. When I went to pay off the installment plan each month, I received receipts explicitly detailing how much I had left to pay off--these "forgotten" fees NEVER appeared on any of them. In other words, it took them well over FOUR MONTHS to actually stick me with these fees. In addition, my school's web portal allows me to access and pay my bill: the "forgotten" fees definitely did not appear there when I had checked during the spring 2016 semester.

The guy printed out a paper detailing the charges and payments made on my account in what I assume is chronological order. The "forgotten" fees are after the emergency loan, meaning that they might have been added after I took it. If so, why was I not informed of them? Why did the fiscal services office not update my balance remaining to tell me of this? You might say I was careless and should have been checking my bill like a hawk. But I had absolutely NO reason to ever believe that my school would straight up "forget" to charge me several hundred dollars, act like they never existed, and then later silently add them to my bill without any warning or notification until quite literally FIVE MONTHS after they were supposedly "due". But they did, and here I am.

It's bitterly hilarious. It's a disaster, but one that is completely not my fault.

Thankfully, the guy did help me formulate a plan where I can pay it off with grants that do not need to be paid back. I might even get to keep the 200 bucks my dad gave me and use it towards buying something cool! But man this still pisses me off. I can't even believe this--I wouldn't feel particularly mad if you guys didn't believe me, because this situation is just mind-bogglingly absurd.
Nūdenku waga honji ma naku honyasi ne ika-ika ichamase!
female-appearance=despite boy-voice=PAT hold boy-youth=TOP very be.cute-3PL
Honyasi zō honyasi ma naidasu.
boy-youth=AGT boy-youth=PAT love.romantically-3S

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Re: I'm useless.

Post by Egerius » 15 Jul 2016 22:14

Chagen wrote:Now, you might say "But Chagen, you are an adult and a college isn't obligated to inform you about everything". [...]

You might say I was careless and should have been checking my bill like a hawk.
Both times no. Your school has made a HUGE mistake, and THEY should correct it.
I am no expert on US law or ye crappye US education system, but this would be classified as fraud if it were a purchase of physical goods.

LOL, what a bunch of fish-heads.
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