You know, I really depend on you guys. You're the closest thing I have to friends. I always worry about one day opening my browser and finding this forum shuttered down, the servers gone or given to some other site. All of my work: gone. All of you guys: gone, probably never to be seen again. It's a pretty scary thought. Where else would I have to go but the ZBB (granted, we would probably all make a giant exodus there, but still)?
I know I'm way too paranoid and anxious, but I seriously don't know what I'd do without you guys. This is going to sound, like, hilariously creepy, but you guys are like my family, practically (I guess in this metaphor the ZBB are quirky relatives I visit every once in a while). Being on the CBB makes me happy. Conlanging makes me happy. But I still can't brush away those thoughts of how what I'm doing is "pointless" and the terror of this forum closing down.
This is going to sound ludicrously petty, but I think this stems from when I was on another forum and just getting into conlanging (I mean, way back. We're talking Demonos and Kron. Sheesh!). It was a TvTropes spin-off so we were all pretty nerdy and I excitedly showed them my conlanging. Most people were politely indifferent but one guy--one guy--said "why are you wasting your time doing this when you could be spending time learning a real language?" And I didn't tell him, but that really hurt. And I'm the kind of person who will struggle with complexes and anxiety issues after being hurt just one time. I know it doesn't matter. He was just one guy. I should stop caring about other people's opinions and live my life how I wish. But I can't. I am super-conscious of how others think of me. I find validation for my own beliefs through interacting with others who share them, but all it takes is just one person who doesn't share my opinion and I'm crushed. Like, if I like a band, but someone else doesn't, I'll become super-anxious and ashamed of liking that band, wondering if maybe I just have shit taste and that person is better than me.
Sigh. I'm a complete mental nutcase of anxiety and issues, but this forum is one of the ways I cope through life. I want to say thanks to everyone on the CBB (and ZBB for that matter, even if we constantly butt heads). Thanks for sharing the same passion as me and letting me take part in it. Thanks for being so nice to me. This is by far the forum I have posted the most on in my entire life. I still can't believe I have nearly 4000 posts (3830 as of this post) on here. That's a staggering number. I have posts from here when I was a goddamn high school sophomore! I have spent just over five years of my life on this place. That's one quarter of my entire existence here on this planet. It's mind-blowing.
I just wish I were less of a anxiety-ridden paranoid with negative self-esteem.
We all have our secret passions, I guess. Perhaps I should embrace Faux-Nihilism and realize that everything is pointless in the end since we'll all just up rotting in the ground six feet under.